Cool, Like in the Movies.

I love my girlfriend so much! I’m seriously so lucky!!!

“The mountains look scary don’t they? I think they look like sleeping giants don’t you? I mean any second they’ll just wake up! Boulders, rocks, and other, smaller rock formations will cascade off their sides as they slowly rise to in act their terrible vengeance on us humans.” I said this with all assurance and excitement, pushing the envelope of date talk, delving into the real me, the stupid me; the me that doesn’t know when to keep his mouth shut even when things are going his way. Almost immediately I hear her laugh in agreement and awe at such a unique and interesting perspective.

“Well if the mountains are giants, they’re racists.”

As the date was coming to a close I felt that I had displayed the best version of myself I had ever been. Was that good enough? Or was I kidding myself. Seriously perplexed by her statement I said.

“Racist? What do you mean, how so?”

The infectious laugh worked its way towards me. There was something about being there, in my car, on that hill, listening to that music, and staring at those somehow racist mountains that told me this was right. It was the right place, the right song, the right night, and most importantly the right girl to be experiencing that moment with.

“Never mind if you don’t see it I’m not telling you, it’s dumb, trust me.”

Eventually I did end up seeing what she had seen; it was a stretch in my mind, yet plainly obvious in hers. That’s how it’s been ever since, a year later and I’m still puzzled and enlightened by her vision. Her colors speak ever so softly; waiting for the moment they can shine their brightest and truest color, and speak with their loudest and clearest voice. There’s more, there is much more.

I’m not going to die, at least not right now, not because of this.

My lungs are full and I focus on staying alive, Any minute now I’ll inhale and find myself so lost in the fight for normalcy I’ll forget.

I’ll forget that I love her, It’s gotten to the point where I want nothing to do with her. I want her to just leave.

Leave me sitting here long enough to realize I need her, after that she can stay forever.

Being alone isn’t what people make it out to be, It’s the feeling of a million eyes not looking at you that puts you on edge, Wheres all the awkward glances, Judging stares, and longing peers?

I’m not going to die, not yet. I’ve been here before, and I’ll be here again. Where is this time between time and why is it so relevant?

Truth is it’s uncomfortable, it hurts. Breath in deeper and stronger, The air will cycle through uncomfortably chilled, Pretend you’re on a Goddamn mountain top. With a heart the size of a brick taking up all the space inside your chest, and the infernal pounding deep inside your ears, It takes you many a moments to realize the most important rule of surviving is letting go.